call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
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He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
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