I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
that place is a roofie-colada waiting to happen
i'm ok with that.. with the right DD it's just a cheaper drunk.. it's the economy, stupid
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
