Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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