I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
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