one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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