Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
