Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I smell like Dick and happiness
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
