my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
