she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
