She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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