I wanna bring you to show and tell
it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
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We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
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I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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