There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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