We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
