Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
In other news, I just burned my penis
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
