My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
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so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
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I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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