Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
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