I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
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