As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
