Your face is a jimmy john
is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
He felt like a one man threesome
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
