when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
