i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
