At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I think my moral compass just broke
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