smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
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