I puked a lego.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
