no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
