i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
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I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
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A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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