Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
