I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
