I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
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