So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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