I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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