I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
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she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
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Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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