3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
farters have to be the big spoon...
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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