Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.