Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
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Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
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Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century