Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
