Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Randomize
