life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
