When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
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