I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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