I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
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My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
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dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
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