The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
