i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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