I'm sorry my penis didn't work
So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Randomize
