Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize
