I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
