Please, let me fuck your mom
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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