she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
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duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
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I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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