Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Randomize
