I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
don't judge my taste in strippers
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
