oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Randomize
