I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
You took a bar mat shot.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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