she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
