Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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