in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
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I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
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He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
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