So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
