Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
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